Love, epic or otherwise

When I was younger, I wanted to fall in love like they do in the movies.

I wanted a romance where a boy would get close to me and we’d get to know each other and we would fall in love. I wanted grand romantic gestures with jokes and references just between the two of us. I wanted dramatic arguments where we seem to break up and stay away from each other but then after a sad montage, there would be an epic apology and we’d be back together still madly in love.

I fell in love when I was 18. We were together for 8 plus years and I never forgot the day he told me he loved me. I wanted us to have an epic love story, just like in the movies. Spanning years and continents. Lives ruined, bloodshed. Epic.1

And we did. We were friends and we fell in love. There were inside jokes and grand gestures. We had bitter arguments and silent treatments but we would make up and still be in love.

That kind of love looks good in movies but it’s not realistic and it doesn’t last. It’s exhausting to be in a relationship with a lot of drama. It’s shocking to realize that you’re no longer friends, just two people in love. It’s heartbreaking to wake up one day and know in your heart that you don’t want to be there anymore.

Now that I’m older (and hopefully a bit wiser), I don’t want that epic love story anymore.

I want the kind of love where we’re appreciated for who we are and accepted for who we’re not. I don’t want mind games or lying about feelings, I’d rather we be open and honest, no matter what the outcome will be. I want to be able to share things we’re obsessed with and learn from each other. I want arguments where we compromise and work through issues instead of giving in to end discussions.

I want the healthy love that they rarely ever show in movies.


1 Jason Dohring as Logan Echolls, Veronica Mars, Season 2 Episode 20 ‘Look Who’s Stalking’

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Better Someday

Well, isn’t it convenient that my hands end where yours begin
and I can’t think of this thing without picturing you grin?
There’s a bit of fear, there’s a bit of shyness
We’ve got a lot of talk and no awkward silence

Well, don’t you wanna come and give me a kiss?
I’m starting to forget the taste of your lips
I still want to feel your arms around me
Our touch is vital, wouldn’t you agree?

Keep writing me letters saying that you’ll stay
Maybe I’ll feel better when I get to someday
And I’ll keep listening to every word you say
Maybe you’ll feel better one sweet day
Maybe we’ll be better someday

Hey, don’t you wanna lie down beside me?
See how we fit together so nice and neatly
I like how your touch feels against my skin
If this is a game, I’m pretty sure you’re gonna win

Hey, won’t you come a little bit closer?
Take control because this thing’s not over
Can’t you feel my fingers gliding across your chest?
You don’t need to see, just feel what happens next

Keep writing stories about the games we wanna play
Maybe we’ll go and get there someday
And I’ll keep waiting until you say it’s okay
Whenever that tomorrow becomes today
Maybe we’ll be better someday

The Breakup Chronicles, Chapter 5: Not the Same Love

I still loved him. No question. I was trying to get over him but it wasn’t working. But I was being strong and I did my best to not bother him anymore.

My mom passed away. It was sudden, as most deaths are. I didn’t tell anyone except family. It’s not really in my nature to tell everyone when something huge and heartbreaking has happened. I’m more of a write it down or do something creative with your pain kinda gal.

Anyway, he found out. And because we weren’t talking, he had to ask my friends who also didn’t know anything.

He went to my mom’s funeral and we talked for a bit. It hit me hard how much I missed someone like him to talk to. He was my friend for so long.

The day we cremated my mom, I told him how much I loved him and how I regretted ending things the way I did and how maybe my reasons for breaking up with him weren’t really that bad. I told him I’d do my best to win him back and if he didn’t want that, to tell me and there would be no hard feelings.

Fast forward a few weeks, we got back together. He told me he loved me too. It was amazing. I felt happy again and not as lonely anymore.

Then we had a fight. And he told me that I hadn’t changed and that maybe he made a mistake. I told him I wasn’t gonna let him go that easy again. I said I’d do whatever it took to prove to him that I wasn’t gonna hurt him anymore. And we were okay again.Read More »

The Breakup Chronicles, Chapter 4: Memories and Missed Jokes

I had a problem with the middle finger on my right hand a while ago. It was popping when I flexed it and it hurt. I had to put it in a splint just to feel comfortable.

I thought of what he would have said if we were still together. He would have teased me about working that finger too much. It made me sad because I realized that that part of my life was gone.

The part of my life where I always had someone to talk to, share inside jokes with, have dumb arguments and conversation with, was gone.

I was thinking about this and I fell into a rabbit hole of memories.

I still remember his favorite food, his ramen order, and that he doesn’t like tuna on pasta.

I ate more pasta and ramen than I liked because he loved noodles and wasn’t as adventurous with food.

Read More »

The Breakup Chronicles, Chapter 3: DO NOT MAKE DECISIONS WHEN YOU’RE SAD OR LONELY

I did meet someone through online dating. I liked him very much. He was nice and cute and constantly told me I was pretty. It was the self-esteem boost I really needed.

We had been talking for a few weeks, sending photos back and forth, and just flirting quite heavily. But then he started telling me that he had developed feelings for me.

Being a hopeless romantic, I would normally be excited about that. This time, it scared the shit out of me. Maybe I’ve gotten cynical but I don’t believe people can develop feelings that quickly. Especially without meeting in person or knowing anything fundamental about them. Of course, I assumed it was a line to get me to send nudes.

Then a few more weeks later, he said he’d actually fallen in love with me. Again, that scared the ever living shit out of me. I liked flirting with him but I wasn’t anywhere near falling for him. In fact, I kept reminding myself that this wasn’t going anything serious. I told myself to be smart for once and not to get attached.Read More »

The Breakup Chronicles, Chapter 2: Rebounding aka Online Garbage Collecting

Rebounding is like collecting garbage.

After breaking up with my boyfriend, I went looking for a rebound. I hoped that I would find someone new and maybe I wouldn’t feel so alone. And failing that, maybe I’d find someone hot I could drool over for a while.

Also, I wanted to win the breakup. Did I mention I was not in a good place?

So I went on Tinder. Tinder is good because you’re already weeding out people you’re not attracted to and who are not attracted to you. You match up with people who are interested and that should be it. You can get to know each other more.

Here are the problems. I hardly ever talked to anyone I matched with because either they weren’t online or I wasn’t. People who did message me either sent crude messages or just a simple hi. Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing egregiously wrong with a simple hi, I just feel like you need to give me something more to work with.

You might ask, why didn’t I just message people myself? Good news is, I did. And I was witty about it. I sent gifs sometimes too. And who doesn’t like funny gifs?Read More »

Sad and rambling #2

Why do I do this? Why do I torture myself talking to him, trying to see if he still cares?

He doesn’t. HE DOESN’T CARE. Not anymore.

I made the right choice, I know I did. It still hurts. It hurts after all this time. It hurts even more that I feel like he just waited for me to do it.

Why couldn’t he have the balls to do it himself? Then maybe I’d have a reason to hate him and it wouldn’t hurt so bad.

It feels like we’re strangers now but we’re not. Far from it.

I still remember how he falls asleep, what his breakfast order is, and the way he used to look at me. I wish I could forget.

I was the one who walked away but I didn’t fall out of love. I still haven’t.

 

The Breakup Chronicles, Chapter 1: The Worst Part of Breaking Up

I broke up with my boyfriend of 8 years a few months ago. I won’t get into why or what exactly happened, but I am gonna say that there was no big argument.

I can’t say that it was a mutual agreement because honestly, I don’t know that it was.

He was my best friend. I honestly could not imagine my life without him. Our relationship was like two good friends who also just happened to be attracted to each other and make out sometimes.

Which is why I’m incredibly sad and disappointed that we don’t talk anymore. I feel like I not only lost the love of my life but also my best friend.

I’m not mad at him. Not even close. Maybe it’s selfish of me to expect us to just go back to being good friends after what happened.

And even though I know, deep down, that I made the right choice, I still have moments of weakness because it’s so incredibly difficult to know that I’m alone now.

I think the worst part of breaking up is realizing that you no longer have that one person who had your back no matter what.


Click here for the video version.

Youtubing, two months in

It’s been two months since I started making videos for my Youtube channel regularly and IT IS HELLA FUN. To be honest, I thought I would give up on this sooner.

I knew from the beginning that I wouldn’t get that many views or subscribers because, to be fair, there’s far better content out there. But I’m having tons of fun creating and working my ass off on releasing videos somewhat consistently. I’m always excited thinking about what to do next.

So far, I’ve released four episodes of Reading with Feeling. Here’s the latest one:

Originally, I wanted Reading with Feeling to be dramatic readings of poems, song lyrics or short stories but now, I just want viewers (or listeners) to feel relaxed and maybe enjoy a reading or two. I’m planning to record more this weekend.

I’ve also released two cover songs. I’ve done these before using Soundcloud but of course, those don’t have video. Here’s my more popular cover:

Like I said, the past two months of being a fledgling Youtuber has been insanely fun (with a lot of hard work!). I don’t think I’m gonna be stopping anytime soon.

As always, if you guys liked these, click like. And for more videos (and posts), please subscribe. ❤

I’m gonna be on TV!

No, not really.

I relaunched my ancient Youtube channel a month ago. I’ve always wanted to make Internet content aside from writing and singing — and making and uploading videos is one of the most viable ways for me to do that. Granted, I’m not a big fan of seeing myself on camera and I’m not very comfortable talking in front of camera, but hey, trying new things, right?

The original plan was to make gaming videos because I’m a huge fan of Roosterteeth and Achievement Hunter but I realized that I don’t have enough money to buy games constantly and also I have no friends to play with and I’m not very good at games. So I decided that my Youtube channel is going to be anything under the sun. Whatever I want to make a video of, I will.

I’ve started a new series called Reading with Feeling. It’s going to be me, reading various poems or short stories or even song lyrics. I’ve already recorded four episodes and released two.

Here’s the first one:

I hope to be doing more videos, more regularly.

Like I say in my videos, if you guys like it, click the like button and subscribe! ❤