Things won’t end well
I can’t get my hopes up
In case you can’t tell
I’m this close to giving up
But I’ll stay, stay, stay
Like I said I would
Turn my night to day
Tell me my instincts are good
I’m trying to be cool
But I want you, I want you
I’m trying to be strong
And I don’t wanna scare you
I know, I know I’m weak
I won’t see you today
But next week I’ll see you
My next weakness will be you
Maybe I’m dumb
But I said I’d wait
I won’t lie to you
I’m scared this is a mistake
But I’ll stay, stay, stay
Because I said I would
It’s far too late
I’m gone for good
This’ll hurt if it ends
I hope we don’t get there
But it’s not a waste
Even if we get nowhere
Written August 2018
I’m so fucking tired.
I would like to leave please.
I don’t want to be here anymore.
I don’t see the point.
I can’t see the silver lining.
Why should I stay?
Nobody needs me, really.
Wanting me to stay when I really want to leave seems kind of selfish.
I have nothing left to give.
I have faced my fear.
It’s a funhouse mirror and an echo chamber.
Just like I thought it would be.
I see myself: lacking and unlovable.
I hear myself: I am never enough.
Do not worry, friends.
I do not want to die.
I just don’t want to be alive.
Alive means feeling and I no longer want that.
I don’t see the point anymore.
Before you think the worst, I am not in any way, shape or form, suicidal. I’m just sad. Or numb. It’s kinda funny that I can’t tell which.
You see, I’ve always had this notion that life is romantic and full of happy endings. My brain knows that’s not how it is but my heart still has hope. Even though my heart knows to protect itself, it still has that hope that maybe one day, I’ll find that happy ending I’ve always wanted.
Days like these though (or several days like these), when the loneliness is overwhelming, I can’t see the point in hoping for it.
I know that I can be happy alone. I have been happy alone. But having someone with you after a long time of being alone ruins that knowledge. Because suddenly, you have someone to touch or talk to. And when that feels like it’s slipping away, it hurts. And you kind of wish you just never had anyone again instead of feeling that loneliness looming.
It takes a long time to forget that you were fine being alone.
When I was younger, my mom left to work in the US. We wrote emails back and forth and we would tell her that we missed her very much.
One night, I was sitting on our couch looking outside and wondering why my mom wasn’t home yet. I’d forgotten that she wasn’t even the country and she wasn’t going to come home, at least not anytime soon. It broke my heart.
Well, it’s been a year and I haven’t forgotten yet. I haven’t looked outside and wondered why my mama isn’t home yet. I haven’t forgotten that she’s not coming home. And my heart is forever broken.
Read More »
When I was younger, I wanted to fall in love like they do in the movies.
I wanted a romance where a boy would get close to me and we’d get to know each other and we would fall in love. I wanted grand romantic gestures with jokes and references just between the two of us. I wanted dramatic arguments where we seem to break up and stay away from each other but then after a sad montage, there would be an epic apology and we’d be back together still madly in love.
I fell in love when I was 18. We were together for 8 plus years and I never forgot the day he told me he loved me. I wanted us to have an epic love story, just like in the movies. Spanning years and continents. Lives ruined, bloodshed. Epic.1
And we did. We were friends and we fell in love. There were inside jokes and grand gestures. We had bitter arguments and silent treatments but we would make up and still be in love.
That kind of love looks good in movies but it’s not realistic and it doesn’t last. It’s exhausting to be in a relationship with a lot of drama. It’s shocking to realize that you’re no longer friends, just two people in love. It’s heartbreaking to wake up one day and know in your heart that you don’t want to be there anymore.
Now that I’m older (and hopefully a bit wiser), I don’t want that epic love story anymore.
I want the kind of love where we’re appreciated for who we are and accepted for who we’re not. I don’t want mind games or lying about feelings, I’d rather we be open and honest, no matter what the outcome will be. I want to be able to share things we’re obsessed with and learn from each other. I want arguments where we compromise and work through issues instead of giving in to end discussions.
I want the healthy love that they rarely ever show in movies.
1 Jason Dohring as Logan Echolls, Veronica Mars, Season 2 Episode 20 ‘Look Who’s Stalking’
Well, isn’t it convenient that my hands end where yours begin
and I can’t think of this thing without picturing you grin?
There’s a bit of fear, there’s a bit of shyness
We’ve got a lot of talk and no awkward silence
Well, don’t you wanna come and give me a kiss?
I’m starting to forget the taste of your lips
I still want to feel your arms around me
Our touch is vital, wouldn’t you agree?
Keep writing me letters saying that you’ll stay
Maybe I’ll feel better when I get to someday
And I’ll keep listening to every word you say
Maybe you’ll feel better one sweet day
Maybe we’ll be better someday
Hey, don’t you wanna lie down beside me?
See how we fit together so nice and neatly
I like how your touch feels against my skin
If this is a game, I’m pretty sure you’re gonna win
Hey, won’t you come a little bit closer?
Take control because this thing’s not over
Can’t you feel my fingers gliding across your chest?
You don’t need to see, just feel what happens next
Keep writing stories about the games we wanna play
Maybe we’ll go and get there someday
And I’ll keep waiting until you say it’s okay
Whenever that tomorrow becomes today
Maybe we’ll be better someday
I still loved him. No question. I was trying to get over him but it wasn’t working. But I was being strong and I did my best to not bother him anymore.
My mom passed away. It was sudden, as most deaths are. I didn’t tell anyone except family. It’s not really in my nature to tell everyone when something huge and heartbreaking has happened. I’m more of a write it down or do something creative with your pain kinda gal.
Anyway, he found out. And because we weren’t talking, he had to ask my friends who also didn’t know anything.
He went to my mom’s funeral and we talked for a bit. It hit me hard how much I missed someone like him to talk to. He was my friend for so long.
The day we cremated my mom, I told him how much I loved him and how I regretted ending things the way I did and how maybe my reasons for breaking up with him weren’t really that bad. I told him I’d do my best to win him back and if he didn’t want that, to tell me and there would be no hard feelings.
Fast forward a few weeks, we got back together. He told me he loved me too. It was amazing. I felt happy again and not as lonely anymore.
Then we had a fight. And he told me that I hadn’t changed and that maybe he made a mistake. I told him I wasn’t gonna let him go that easy again. I said I’d do whatever it took to prove to him that I wasn’t gonna hurt him anymore. And we were okay again.Read More »
I had a problem with the middle finger on my right hand a while ago. It was popping when I flexed it and it hurt. I had to put it in a splint just to feel comfortable.
I thought of what he would have said if we were still together. He would have teased me about working that finger too much. It made me sad because I realized that that part of my life was gone.
The part of my life where I always had someone to talk to, share inside jokes with, have dumb arguments and conversation with, was gone.
I was thinking about this and I fell into a rabbit hole of memories.
I still remember his favorite food, his ramen order, and that he doesn’t like tuna on pasta.
I ate more pasta and ramen than I liked because he loved noodles and wasn’t as adventurous with food.
Read More »
I did meet someone through online dating. I liked him very much. He was nice and cute and constantly told me I was pretty. It was the self-esteem boost I really needed.
We had been talking for a few weeks, sending photos back and forth, and just flirting quite heavily. But then he started telling me that he had developed feelings for me.
Being a hopeless romantic, I would normally be excited about that. This time, it scared the shit out of me. Maybe I’ve gotten cynical but I don’t believe people can develop feelings that quickly. Especially without meeting in person or knowing anything fundamental about them. Of course, I assumed it was a line to get me to send nudes.
Then a few more weeks later, he said he’d actually fallen in love with me. Again, that scared the ever living shit out of me. I liked flirting with him but I wasn’t anywhere near falling for him. In fact, I kept reminding myself that this wasn’t going anything serious. I told myself to be smart for once and not to get attached.Read More »
Rebounding is like collecting garbage.
After breaking up with my boyfriend, I went looking for a rebound. I hoped that I would find someone new and maybe I wouldn’t feel so alone. And failing that, maybe I’d find someone hot I could drool over for a while.
Also, I wanted to win the breakup. Did I mention I was not in a good place?
So I went on Tinder. Tinder is good because you’re already weeding out people you’re not attracted to and who are not attracted to you. You match up with people who are interested and that should be it. You can get to know each other more.
Here are the problems. I hardly ever talked to anyone I matched with because either they weren’t online or I wasn’t. People who did message me either sent crude messages or just a simple hi. Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing egregiously wrong with a simple hi, I just feel like you need to give me something more to work with.
You might ask, why didn’t I just message people myself? Good news is, I did. And I was witty about it. I sent gifs sometimes too. And who doesn’t like funny gifs?Read More »
Why do I do this? Why do I torture myself talking to him, trying to see if he still cares?
He doesn’t. HE DOESN’T CARE. Not anymore.
I made the right choice, I know I did. It still hurts. It hurts after all this time. It hurts even more that I feel like he just waited for me to do it.
Why couldn’t he have the balls to do it himself? Then maybe I’d have a reason to hate him and it wouldn’t hurt so bad.
It feels like we’re strangers now but we’re not. Far from it.
I still remember how he falls asleep, what his breakfast order is, and the way he used to look at me. I wish I could forget.
I was the one who walked away but I didn’t fall out of love. I still haven’t.
I broke up with my boyfriend of 8 years a few months ago. I won’t get into why or what exactly happened, but I am gonna say that there was no big argument.
I can’t say that it was a mutual agreement because honestly, I don’t know that it was.
He was my best friend. I honestly could not imagine my life without him. Our relationship was like two good friends who also just happened to be attracted to each other and make out sometimes.
Which is why I’m incredibly sad and disappointed that we don’t talk anymore. I feel like I not only lost the love of my life but also my best friend.
I’m not mad at him. Not even close. Maybe it’s selfish of me to expect us to just go back to being good friends after what happened.
And even though I know, deep down, that I made the right choice, I still have moments of weakness because it’s so incredibly difficult to know that I’m alone now.
I think the worst part of breaking up is realizing that you no longer have that one person who had your back no matter what.
Click here for the video version.
It’s been two months since I started making videos for my Youtube channel regularly and IT IS HELLA FUN. To be honest, I thought I would give up on this sooner.
I knew from the beginning that I wouldn’t get that many views or subscribers because, to be fair, there’s far better content out there. But I’m having tons of fun creating and working my ass off on releasing videos somewhat consistently. I’m always excited thinking about what to do next.
So far, I’ve released four episodes of Reading with Feeling. Here’s the latest one:
Originally, I wanted Reading with Feeling to be dramatic readings of poems, song lyrics or short stories but now, I just want viewers (or listeners) to feel relaxed and maybe enjoy a reading or two. I’m planning to record more this weekend.
I’ve also released two cover songs. I’ve done these before using Soundcloud but of course, those don’t have video. Here’s my more popular cover:
Like I said, the past two months of being a fledgling Youtuber has been insanely fun (with a lot of hard work!). I don’t think I’m gonna be stopping anytime soon.
As always, if you guys liked these, click like. And for more videos (and posts), please subscribe. ❤