The Breakup Chronicles, Chapter 4: Memories and Missed Jokes

I had a problem with the middle finger on my right hand a while ago. It was popping when I flexed it and it hurt. I had to put it in a splint just to feel comfortable.

I thought of what he would have said if we were still together. He would have teased me about working that finger too much. It made me sad because I realized that that part of my life was gone.

The part of my life where I always had someone to talk to, share inside jokes with, have dumb arguments and conversation with, was gone.

I was thinking about this and I fell into a rabbit hole of memories.

I still remember his favorite food, his ramen order, and that he doesn’t like tuna on pasta.

I ate more pasta and ramen than I liked because he loved noodles and wasn’t as adventurous with food.

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I did meet someone through online dating. I liked him very much. He was nice and cute and constantly told me I was pretty. It was the self-esteem boost I really needed.

We had been talking for a few weeks, sending photos back and forth, and just flirting quite heavily. But then he started telling me that he had developed feelings for me.

Being a hopeless romantic, I would normally be excited about that. This time, it scared the shit out of me. Maybe I’ve gotten cynical but I don’t believe people can develop feelings that quickly. Especially without meeting in person or knowing anything fundamental about them. Of course, I assumed it was a line to get me to send nudes.

Then a few more weeks later, he said he’d actually fallen in love with me. Again, that scared the ever living shit out of me. I liked flirting with him but I wasn’t anywhere near falling for him. In fact, I kept reminding myself that this wasn’t going anything serious. I told myself to be smart for once and not to get attached.Read More »

The Breakup Chronicles, Chapter 2: Rebounding aka Online Garbage Collecting

Rebounding is like collecting garbage.

After breaking up with my boyfriend, I went looking for a rebound. I hoped that I would find someone new and maybe I wouldn’t feel so alone. And failing that, maybe I’d find someone hot I could drool over for a while.

Also, I wanted to win the breakup. Did I mention I was not in a good place?

So I went on Tinder. Tinder is good because you’re already weeding out people you’re not attracted to and who are not attracted to you. You match up with people who are interested and that should be it. You can get to know each other more.

Here are the problems. I hardly ever talked to anyone I matched with because either they weren’t online or I wasn’t. People who did message me either sent crude messages or just a simple hi. Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing egregiously wrong with a simple hi, I just feel like you need to give me something more to work with.

You might ask, why didn’t I just message people myself? Good news is, I did. And I was witty about it. I sent gifs sometimes too. And who doesn’t like funny gifs?Read More »

Sad and rambling #2

Why do I do this? Why do I torture myself talking to him, trying to see if he still cares?

He doesn’t. HE DOESN’T CARE. Not anymore.

I made the right choice, I know I did. It still hurts. It hurts after all this time. It hurts even more that I feel like he just waited for me to do it.

Why couldn’t he have the balls to do it himself? Then maybe I’d have a reason to hate him and it wouldn’t hurt so bad.

It feels like we’re strangers now but we’re not. Far from it.

I still remember how he falls asleep, what his breakfast order is, and the way he used to look at me. I wish I could forget.

I was the one who walked away but I didn’t fall out of love. I still haven’t.


The Breakup Chronicles, Chapter 1: The Worst Part of Breaking Up

I broke up with my boyfriend of 8 years a few months ago. I won’t get into why or what exactly happened, but I am gonna say that there was no big argument.

I can’t say that it was a mutual agreement because honestly, I don’t know that it was.

He was my best friend. I honestly could not imagine my life without him. Our relationship was like two good friends who also just happened to be attracted to each other and make out sometimes.

Which is why I’m incredibly sad and disappointed that we don’t talk anymore. I feel like I not only lost the love of my life but also my best friend.

I’m not mad at him. Not even close. Maybe it’s selfish of me to expect us to just go back to being good friends after what happened.

And even though I know, deep down, that I made the right choice, I still have moments of weakness because it’s so incredibly difficult to know that I’m alone now.

I think the worst part of breaking up is realizing that you no longer have that one person who had your back no matter what.

Click here for the video version.

Youtubing, two months in

It’s been two months since I started making videos for my Youtube channel regularly and IT IS HELLA FUN. To be honest, I thought I would give up on this sooner.

I knew from the beginning that I wouldn’t get that many views or subscribers because, to be fair, there’s far better content out there. But I’m having tons of fun creating and working my ass off on releasing videos somewhat consistently. I’m always excited thinking about what to do next.

So far, I’ve released four episodes of Reading with Feeling. Here’s the latest one:

Originally, I wanted Reading with Feeling to be dramatic readings of poems, song lyrics or short stories but now, I just want viewers (or listeners) to feel relaxed and maybe enjoy a reading or two. I’m planning to record more this weekend.

I’ve also released two cover songs. I’ve done these before using Soundcloud but of course, those don’t have video. Here’s my more popular cover:

Like I said, the past two months of being a fledgling Youtuber has been insanely fun (with a lot of hard work!). I don’t think I’m gonna be stopping anytime soon.

As always, if you guys liked these, click like. And for more videos (and posts), please subscribe. ❤

I’m gonna be on TV!

No, not really.

I relaunched my ancient Youtube channel a month ago. I’ve always wanted to make Internet content aside from writing and singing — and making and uploading videos is one of the most viable ways for me to do that. Granted, I’m not a big fan of seeing myself on camera and I’m not very comfortable talking in front of camera, but hey, trying new things, right?

The original plan was to make gaming videos because I’m a huge fan of Roosterteeth and Achievement Hunter but I realized that I don’t have enough money to buy games constantly and also I have no friends to play with and I’m not very good at games. So I decided that my Youtube channel is going to be anything under the sun. Whatever I want to make a video of, I will.

I’ve started a new series called Reading with Feeling. It’s going to be me, reading various poems or short stories or even song lyrics. I’ve already recorded four episodes and released two.

Here’s the first one:

I hope to be doing more videos, more regularly.

Like I say in my videos, if you guys like it, click the like button and subscribe! ❤